15 January 2018

Things are looking up.

10 January 2018

So here we are, eight days into 2018 and it would be fair to say that for me, much like the latter half of 2017, it's been a little bit shit. I've been stuck in a pit of self-loathing and depressive darkness that I naively thought I had not only climbed out of, but left far behind in my past. 

2017 wasn't the best year for me - I neglected my mental health, turning a blind eye to its slow disintegration and my lack of self-care; especially around eating and nourishing myself properly. To have come so far, only to have depressive, anxious and anorexic thoughts creep up again, taking me under their dark wings whilst I pretended not to notice too much can only be described as disheartening. But, although I may be in the pits now, having got to the other side before, I know I can do it again. One's mental health is constantly evolving and adapting - it just takes a little work to get there.

No singular point sticks in my mind as a trigger, but in only a short amount of time, a lot of the old (and to be honest somewhat comforting) feelings came creeping back into my life. And once you've reached a certain low, there's a perverse lure to these diseases that makes it easier to sink and embrace them than try and fight your way out. 

Weirdly, I'm grateful that I had the chance to experience these feelings once again, because without reaching a 'rock bottom' of sorts, I don't think I'd ever have reached a full recovery - instead been left stuck in the semi-recovered life I was living. That's not to say that I haven't had amazing times over the last couple of years: I've travelled with my friends, got into university and had an amazing first year, moved away from home and became more independent, made new friends, partied, landed some amazing modelling jobs - the list could go on. But, all this has been achieved within the confines of my 'safe zone'. 

Whilst I managed to maintained a healthy weight and even relationship with food at some points, I've never fully come to terms with the way that my body should look at it's best, and continued to indulge in habits that really should have been broken far earlier. I won't go into detail for risk of triggering others with specifics, but the control I felt I needed wasn't allowing me to live to my full potential a lot of the time. It's only now looking back that whilst I do believe that I've been truly happy in parts, I was far too close to the cliff face which is relapse a lot of the time. 

So a shock was what I really needed to get me back on track - and that's exactly what landing in hospital after reaching my lowest weight in years gave me. From now on, I want to live without fear; with spontaneity, balance and a continual effort to keep my mental health in check, or at least seek help when I do start to need it. I'm not sure the scars my experiences have given me will ever truly fade, but an acceptance of the past and a conscious effort to better the future can only help. 

If thighs that jiggle slightly are the price I have to pay for eyes that sparkle with laughter, radiant skin and a warm glow in my bones, then it's a currency I'm willing to exchange in. Here's to never living a half life again.

Helplines if you or someone you know is struggling: 

Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hour)
Beat ED: 0808 801 0677
(Also have dms open for support @BeatEDSupport)
Sane: 0300 304 7000
Anxiety UK: 08444 775 774

A visit to your GP is also worth a go, even if the NHS sometimes have a long way to go in terms of mental health


06 January 2018

Vietnam seemed to be the city of sleepers, amongst the hustle and bustle of the towns a deep sleep consumed the inhabitants of the city, as they slumbered unawares of their hectic surroundings. Here are some of the photos that I captured whilst walking around.


03 January 2018

Whilst the days may be beginning to lengthen, it still feels like they're pretty dark and cold, and as night draws in there is nothing I love more than to hunker down and skim through all the sales and new seasons picks. I've not bought a lot of clothes recently so it's definitely time to add to the spring wardrobe - here's what I'd be purchasing if my purse was bottomless!


02 January 2018

It’s been a long old while since writing on this here blog but after an unexpected extended admission to hospital, I figured that with all the time in the world on my hands, and not a lot to fill it, getting back into blogging a drafting up some posts would be a good place to start. 

I’ve been on some incredible travels over the summer that I’d love to document, as well as introducing some more lifestyle and think pieces and of course some lighter fashion and beauty content too. 

So here’s to a new year and new beginning (again) on maddycane.com - let’s see how long this stint lasts.


03 October 2016

I often look to the beauty offerings and launches across the pond with great envy, the choice, the brands - it's a make-up obsessive's dream. When Love Me Beauty announced that this month would feature a full box of Kat Von D, I waited impatiently for mine to turn up at the door, my little blogging heart a flutter, and I have to say, it's stood up to my expectations. Don't forget to use the code 'Maddy50' for 50% off of your first Love Me Beauty box, taking the whole thing down to just a fiver, a no-brainer really when you couldn't get one of her products for that much normally, let alone 5!

Omorovicza Mask and Balm - Starting off with another brand that I've been dying to try out for a while, Omorovicza, whose roots in my favourite city of Budapest pretty much guaranteed love from me. The Thermal Cleansing Balm is great at removing stubborn makeup at the end of the day, but the Deep Cleansing Mask completely stole the limelight for me. I haven't been the kindest to my skin this  summer but this left my skin not only feeling nice, but looking a lot clearer than it has done for a while - top marks.

Madara Cellular Repair Serum and Exuviance Toner and Mask - I can't lie, I'm yet to try any of these skincare bits out, but they will be popped in my travel washbag ready for moving into uni and I'm sure the heavenly smells, if nothing else, will make a welcome addition to my cleansing routine. 

Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid Lipstick - My greedy little fingers headed straight for this as soon as I opened the bag, since I've heard that these lipsticks are some of the best in the lipstick game. I can indeed confirm that the rumours are true. I was sent the shade Outlaw, a beautiful vibrant red, and it's only increased my appetite for more shades. The addiction could become real. Non-drying, fairly matte and the most gorgeous tone, I couldn't really have asked for anything more. 

Kat Von D Studded Kiss Lipstick - After the success of the Everlasting lipstick, I was expecting good things from this too. Creamy texture, moisturising, the outlook was good but unfortunately the colour just not for me - shame, but I'm sure my sister will be able to give it a better home. 

Kat Von D Tattoo Liner - The Kat Von D Tattoo liner is so hyped up that I almost didn't want to try it for fear of disappointment. Safe to say, it didn't flop. Liquid liner is one of those things that I will wear on a night out, but never much more than that, however the ease of use here may change that forever. Will definitely be getting some backups for when this runs out!